Immediately my feet began to sweat as those two fluffy little bunnies with the blue button eyes stared sappily up at me…

I’ll be out of town for the next week, so I hope all you crazy cats and pink bunnies have a great holiday!! I hope all you guys n gals get everything you want from the Man With The Bag!

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Hello again everyone and welcome to the second edition of Jason Reviews A Movie.  We kicked this off a few months ago with Saw III and I, at least, enjoyed it, so we’re going again.

Just a reminder, these reviews consist of three parts.  First, I’ll give you my general thoughts, spoiler-free, then I’ll rate the film from * to ****, then you’ll get ample Spoiler Space, after which I’ll get into a bit more spoilerish detail.

So, with that in mind, we turn our thoughts to the latest, and last, chapter in the pulp saga of an American pop icon.  Yo, I speak only of one man…

It’s been 16 years since we last saw former two-time World Heavyweight Champion Rocky Balboa and the new film makes some attempt to inform the gap.  Five years after he left backstabbing protégé Tommy Gunn bleeding in the gutter, Rocky opened an Italian restaurant, and might have lived happily ever after, if not for the death of his beloved wife Adrian in 2002.  Rocky Balboa opens with the ex-champ (writer/director/star Sylvester Stallone, looking like Sin City’s Marv without benefit of prosthesis, and that’s a good thing) touring the scenes of his and Adrian’s greatest moments with brother-in-law Paulie (Burt Young) reluctantly in tow.  For Rocky, time has flown too fast.  Paulie is just marking it.

Elsewhere, Rocky Jr. (Milo Ventimiglia of NBC’s Heroes) tries as desperately to get ahead in his corporate job as he does to make sure everyone calls him Robert.

Meanwhile, the current heavyweight champion of the world, Mason “The Line” Dixon (real-life pug Antonio Tarver), finds the pickings, and the Pay-Per-View paydays, slim.  Boxing fans turn on him following one too many Mike Tyson-esque PPV walks in the park.

Enter ESPN who, through computer simulation, pit the aimless Dixon against Rocky Balboa in his prime.  The result, a surprise to some, sees The Italian Stallion cross The Line and leave the champ lying.  One thought immediately surges to Dixon’s handlers’ minds…

Hmmmmmm.

And so the stage is set for The Big Fight.  Before he gets there, Rocky will have to sort out his relationship with his son, negotiate a new one with a neighborhood single mom (Geraldine Hughes), and figure out how in the world a 60-year old former punching bag will stand toe-to-toe with the current World Heavyweight Champion.  For the last, he calls on Duke (Tony Burton, along with Stallone and Young, the only actor to appear in all six Rocky films), Apollo Creed’s old corner man, who devises yet another new strategy for Rocky to get the job done.  I’ve always appreciated the effort Stallone’s scripts put into giving Rocky a new style of opponent to which he must adapt.

That’s the How of the fight covered, but what’s the Why?  Rocky’s not fighting for the title this time, nor is he really looking to prove he can still do it.  I’ll leave it to Rocky to explain to you why he’s climbing back into the ring.  He does a better job than you might expect and the reason is more personal than ever.

I had a lot of fun with Rocky Balboa, mostly due to Rocky himself.  Stallone is as magnetic here as he was in the original Rocky; this is a man you like and want to know.  There’s a ton of heart and soul left in the broken-down hulk of Rocky’s body.  It’s this part of the man, not his flying fists, that rivets the viewer more so than in any previous Rocky film.  

Likewise is Stallone the director working with more passion than in past series outings.  There’s a bit more flash here, especially when we get peaks into Rocky’s head during The Big Fight.

Completing the triple threat, Stallone the writer gives us texture, both in Rocky’s world of Philadelphian decay and the people it crumbles around.  Paulie, as lovable a misanthropic screw-up as he ever was, has a few moments of genuine tenderness.  Hughes brings a quiet desperation to her role of a lifelong urban prisoner who dare not wish for more than survival.  Even Mason Dixon gets a hint of humanity, elevating him above the one-dimensional boogeymen of Rockys III through V.

You’re not going to see the bounds of cinematic art tested watching Rocky Balboa, but you will get a solid, earnest story told with a knowing sense of humor and a respect for its characters.  It’s a fitting valediction for a worthy, heroic character who has helped his fans believe in themselves as they believe in him.

Rating: * * *

and, for reference…

Rocky: * * * ½

Rocky II: * * *

Rocky III: * * ½

Rocky IV: * * ½

Rocky V: * * ½

I’ll see you back here next time for Jason Reviews a Movie.

-JJJ

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Various ESPN and HBO personnel play themselves, adding to The Big Fight’s authenticity.  Larry Merchant is not a Rocky Balboa fan.

In addition to Duke (whose full name, we learn, is Tony “Duke” Evers), a few other characters from Rocky lore return.  One is The Italian Stallion’s first on-screen opponent, Spider Rico, in an extended cameo.

A.J. Benza…?

One character I did not miss, perhaps surprisingly to some, is Adrian.  I think it was a good move on Stallone’s part to use her death to help drive the story here and, let’s face it, Rocky loved Adrian a lot more than we ever did.  Talia Shire’s performance grew more overwrought with each film.

The Big Fight bookends the series nicely.

Even during The Big Fight, I didn’t think Rocky Jr. really “got it”.  I’m not sure if that’s a deficiency in Ventimiglia’s performance or a nuance of Stallone’s script.

Clubber Lang (as a studio analyst) and Ivan Drago (bed-ridden and dying of AIDS) were, at some point, rumored to return for the new film.  They don’t.

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With the holidays here, this seemed like a good time to share my memory of receiving one of the greatest gifts ever. Read on!

  1985.  Arguably the greatest toy year ever, with Masters of The Universe, Transformers and G.I.Joe at the heights of popularity.  During that spring I had received the G.I.Joe Snow Cat vehicle, and with it came the extensive fold-out catalog showcasing all the new G.I.Joe products that would be released that year.  I poured over the new figures and vehicles, circling the ones I wanted to get.  And then I saw IT.  There, at the bottom of the page.  The single greatest thing I had ever seen up to that point in my life – the U.S.S. Flagg Aircraft Carrier.

"The ultimate G. I. Joe vehicle!  7 1/2 feet long!  Taxi G. I. Joe aircraft down the runway with towing vehicle and gas-up with fuel trailer. Sound the "alarm" and give commands on the electronic sound system! Features include working deck elevator, blast deflector, two arrestor hooks, and much, much more! Also includes G. I. Joe ADMIRAL and the Admiral’s Launch."

Unbelievable.  I had to have it.  Somehow, some way, it would be mine.  I began lobbying for this early in the year, with notes and showing my folks the catalog and inserting the USS Flagg into pretty much any conversation I had with my parents.  Which made it tough on them.  That $99.99 price tag was a formidable challenge. 

See, my parents had financial problems during this time which made it difficult to spend extra money or non-essentials.  Sure we had food and clothes and a roof over our head, and the occasional (okay frequent) action figure or small vehicle; but spending close to $100 on a toy was laughable.  ridiculous.  crazy, even.  Of course I was oblivious to these money problems at the time because my parents (as parents do) made me feel like we had everything we wanted, so I did not understand why I could not have this.  I asked for it for my birthday in September but did not receive it.  I doubled my efforts with my parents.  When we were at K-mart I dragged them over to look at the huge boxed vehicle on display.  I even drew pictures of the Flagg and put them everywhere around the house.  My last hope was soon to arrive – Christmas.  My parents made a point to explain that receiving the Flagg wasn’t likely.  I was bummed out, but had plenty of other toys to put on my Xmas List. 

Christmas Morning – I scanned the tree and room but did not spot the Flagg.  I still had a wonderful Christmas, receiving many action figures and vehicles from the various toy lines.  It was great.  After all the gifts were opened, my whole family was relaxing around the tree and my folks asked me if I got everything I wanted.  Of course with a goofy smile I said “pretty much, but I didn’t get the G.I.Joe aircraft carrier.”  My brothers laughed.  My parents looked a little disappointed, but they said “Well, we have one more gift for you!”

My heart skipped a little.  

I closed my eyes, thinking this must be it!  I then heard my brothers hauling something big into the room.  I was excited. 

But my brothers were saying “watch the handlebars” & “lookout for the tires” and my heart sank just a little bit.  A new bike was neat and all that, but I was hoping for the Flagg.  Still, I would be excited and appreciative.

They told me to open my eyes.  I expected to see a shiny new bike. 

Instead, sitting right in front of me was an enormous box with a paintingon the front of a huge “99”, above it a G.I.Joe Skystriker jet, taking off.  G.I.Joe characters everywhere, busy at work.  A red, orange and white explosion framing the entire dramatic image.  Unbelievable!  The G.I.Joe USS Flagg aircraft carrier in all her glory!  I screamed a child’s scream of sheer joy and hugged the box tightly.  It was surreal!  The thing I had wanted the most and here it was, right in front of me.  It was a moment I will never forget. 

I remember spending 3 hours Xmas night putting her together, fitting all the joints and pieces together and putting on all the decals.  And many imaginative hours of my childhood were spent with playing with my Joes.  My friends loved it.  As I got older, many people wondered why I never sold it.  It was expensive and highly sought-after by collectors.  The reason was simple – besides keeping it for my kids, besides the nostalgia factor, besides all that – a few years after that Christmas, I found out how my parents afforded the USS Flagg.  During one of those first visits to K-Mart, my Dad went back and put the Flagg on layaway.  He added money every week for months until he paid for it just before the holidays.  They had been planning to buy this all along, despite their financial troubles.  So for what it means to me personally, and for what my Dad did to buy it, I’m never parting with my USS Flagg.  Thanks, Dad. 

And Merry Christmas, everyone.

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I don’t know what its like in your area, but around here people have no concept of the Four-Way Stop system. None. At all. My life is in danger every single time I pull up at one of these deathtraps. Either no one goes, sitting in their spot for five minutes OR these morons hit the gas as soon as they see movement from the vehicles on the left.

I found a great column on this very topic, written by Jim Loy:

The four-way stop is a drivers’ IQ test, that many drivers fail. It would seem to be a maneuver of approximately Blue-Angel caliber. But, it is really very simple, if you follow these few rules.

Case I – one car

You are the only one at the intersection. This is the simplest case. First you stop [complete stop (in or out of the cross-walk), rolling stop, 25 mph stop, etc.], then you have only five options:

1. Go.
2. Hesitate, then go.
3. Wait for 3 more cars to come along.
4. Wait for 2 more cars.
5. Wait for 1 more car.

A true Driver (with a capital "D", master of four-way stops) would choose option #3. After all, they do call this a four-way stop. Most drivers modify option #3 by adding a time limit, like 30 seconds: "Wait for 3 cars or 30 seconds, whichever comes first." This 30-second wait has degenerated into option #2, "Hesitate, then go."

Case II – 2 cars

There are a few permutations here:

1. You got there first. See below, "Complication #3, who got there first?" In this situation, just go, unless you are a disgustingly polite driver (Complication #1).

2. He or she is on your right and you’re turning right. Go.

3. He or she is on your right and you’re not turning right. Wait.

4. He or she is straight ahead; and he or she is going straight or turning right; and you’re going straight or turning right. Go.

5. He or she is straight ahead and he or she is turning left or you’re turning left. Wait.

6. He or she is on your left and he or she is turning right. Go.

7. He or she is on your left and he or she is not turning right. Wait.

Case III – 3 cars

If it’s your turn, go. If not, try to imagine what can go wrong if you do go, and then go if you didn’t just imagine your own death. Actually, this case is a simplification of case IV – 4 cars.

Case IV – 4 cars

There are hundreds of permutations here. But, actually, it’s pretty simple. Go it it’s your turn, or if you’re turning right and nobody else is headed for that lane.

Complication #1 – the disgustingly polite driver

A disgustingly polite driver will wait for you even though you both know that it is his or her turn to go. I can imagine him or her stopping for a child, and waving the child into the path of a speeding semi. Such politeness confuses any driving situation. It can hopelessly muddle a four-way stop situation, unless you follow this advice: Flip him or her the appropriate salute, and go.

Complication #2 – which way will they turn?

Cases II through IV depend upon which way the other drivers are turning. Their turn signals may offer a clue:

1. Some people do not signaling
2. Some people will turn the same way that they are signaling
3. Some people will not turn the same way that they are signaling

There are six principles which will help you sort these out:

1. You can legally assume that people will turn the same way that they are signaling, or that they are not turning when they are not signaling.

2. You can legally ram them if they are lying.

3. No witness will stick around to back up your story about whether or not anybody signaled.

4. Drivers (capital "D") do not signal.

5. drivers (small "d") do not signal.

6. All other drivers signal.

Complication #3 – who got there first?

"Who" got there first, "what" got there second, "I don’t know" got there third. Sorry, that was merely an allusion. In theory, a four-way stop is simple. The cars stopped in a certain order, and they go in the same order. In reality:

1. Some people don’t exactly stop. So, when did they arrive at the four-way stop?

2. Some people stop one or two car-lengths behind the stop sign. When did they arrive at the four-way stop?

3. Sometimes two cars really do stop simultaneously.

4. Driver A thinks that driver B got there first, and driver B thinks that driver A got there first. This is a simplification of the next situation.

5. Driver A thinks that driver B got there first. Driver B thinks that driver C got there first. And driver C thinks that driver A got there first. From experience, I would say that this, along with various 4-car permutations, is a very common situation.

6. At least one driver has no clue. This has probably happened before he reached the four-way stop.

So, when there’s doubt about who got there first, who should go first? Here’s a handy rule: "I go first, you go second, everyone else hesitates." My car is the one with the dents in each door.

Complication #4 – pedestrians

Any of the above situations can be further complicated by the intrusion of any number of pedestrians. You won’t see them lining up and going one at a time. They just keep walking right on through the intersection, dodging cars. While pedestrians slow down the normal clockwork of the four-way stop, they also introduce a logical puzzle to the situation. If you are about to go, and a pedestrian walks in front of you, how does that affect the order of who goes when? Do you get to go first once the pedestrian is out of your way? Should all the other cars wait for you? Or, have you lost your place and must wait for 3 more cars to go. This guideline should help: "If you have to wait for a pedestrian, you are now a time-bomb waiting to go off. To minimize the loss of life, you should be allowed to go first."

Complication #5 – the four-way stop starburst maneuver

This is when all four cars go at once. All four cars stop, nearly touching, nose to fender. And, nobody can go forward. The driver who backs up loses all respect from his or her family. Besides, the next four cars have gone forward by now. So no one can back up, if he or she wanted to. The four-way stop has now achieved critical mass. The only solution is for one car to be removed, sideways, by a fork-lift. I’m sorry to say that I’ve never seen this done. I understand this is very popular in Europe, at all kinds of intersections.

four-way stop theory

Einstein’s theory of Special Relativity says, among other things, that two observers, travelling at different speeds, cannot agree on when something happened. In fact observer A may say that event X occurred before event Y, while observer B may say that event Y happened first. And both observers are right. This leads to the "four-way stop paradox."

A theory that seems to have even more to say about four-way stops is Natural Selection.

Addendum #1:

I have finally figured out what is wrong with the four-way stop concept. It is not that the four-way stop is a drivers’ IQ test that is too difficult for all of those drivers who have not yet mastered the green light concept. Instead, it is that the four-way stop is an IQ test that these drivers are encouraged to flunk over and over again, forever.

I recently was stopped behind a person who stopped at the four-way stop, let six cars go ahead of her, and then went. Also recently, I was the third car to a four-way stop, and the first car wouldn’t go (waiting for a fourth?); we out-waited him, and he eventually went.

Addendum #2:

I received email saying that not all states have four-way stops. That sounded like heaven, until I read further about the four-way yield! I hope they give out drivers’ manuals at the border.

I recently almost saw a three way accident at a four-way stop. A car was the first of three cars at the intersection. The driver hesitated, and then went. And all three cars nearly collided. The hesitation sent the wrong signal; it said "go ahead" to the other drivers. A more forceful approach would probably have been less dangerous. Clearly any driver who goes (whether he/she actually has the right of way or not) must be prepared to stop. But so many drivers seem to be trying to divine the other drivers’ thoughts, when they should just go in the order in which they arrived.

I should also write about "Uncontrolled Intersections (Simplified)." These are intersections with no stop or yield signs. There are several amusing ramifications (ways in which cars can ram into each other), such as "I got there first," or "I’m on your right, buddy," or "I’m in the through street," or "I’m King of the Road," or "Honking is better than brakes."

Addendum #3:

I recently saw a new trick at a four-way stop. A driver held up his hand (in traffic cop fashion) to encourage me to stop. I was going about 2 mph, and was coming to a stop, which should have been obvious to him. So his gesture seemed stupid to me. But that might actually work.

I also saw a U-turn in a four-way stop intersection (read that again), with two cars waiting. Stupidity = Creativity!

It seems that many drivers are trying to make eye contact with each of the other drivers. This is a sort of validation: "Yes, we all acknowledge that you exist, and therefore you can go now." That is why I wear dark glasses.

Addendum #4:

I recently encountered the ultimate complication (twice in one week): four way stops + cell phones. This may be the new rule: If the driver who gets there before you has a phone to his ear, go (or don’t). Hey, a bad day driving is better than TV.

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I was in Target today browsing the DVDs, when a mother pushed her cart past me and beckoned her daughter follow her.  A moment later the little girl, who couldn’t have been more than three, toddled by behind me singing to herself…

"You better watch out, you better not cry…"

 So awesome I almost cried.  For me, that’s what this season is all about.

You bet he’s on his way, little girl…

You bet he is.

-JJJ

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I was in Target today browsing the DVDs, when a mother pushed her cart past me and beckoned her daughter follow her.  A moment later the little girl, who couldn’t have been more than three, toddled by behind me singing to herself…

"You better watch out, you better not cry…"

 So awesome I almost cried.  For me, that’s what this season is all about.

You bet he’s on his way, little girl…

You bet he is.

-JJJ

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Today, as I was out Christmas shopping amongst the throngs of people, I picked up the just-released Kano and Reptile from the third series of Mortal Kombat figures by Jazwares.

 I love ‘em.

 Jazwares, on the whole, doesn’t seem to get a lot of love from the collector community. Sure, they’ve had a bit of a rocky go as far as action figures are concerned. I’ll be the first to admit that the first series of Mortal Kombat figures came out a bit less than stellar. But from the the second series on I really think they are doing some fine work with this line.

Series Two was a huge improvement over Series One in every way, and Series Three (consisting of Kano, Reptile, Noob and Johnny Kage) continues the trend. These really are some sharp figures…especially for a mass-market line that’s only $5.99 at TRU.

Both Reptile and Kano have solid, detailed sculpts, decent paint jobs and sport generous articulation. They each come with several accesories. Kano has a sword and two daggers (that fit into holders on his boots), and Reptile has a big ol’ sword and an alternate head with his long snake-like tongue. Plus, each figure comes with a base.

Another big plus for Jazwares is they somehow got Mortal Kombat into mass retail, and at a fantastic price point. Did I mention these are only $5.99 at TRU? $5.99 folks!

I’ve been playing Mortal Kombat ever since the first game hit arcades back around 1992. I have some of the old Hasbro figures from back in the day (I still love that wee Goro), I’ve seen the movies, watched the TV show, read some of the comics…and have been waiting for some cool figures based on this expansive mythology. Jazwares is poised to deliver. I like where the line is going.

I’m hoping for some nice surprises come Toy Fair in February. I like the figures I have, but I’m not gonna be satisfied until Jazwares makes Goro!

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Today, as I was out Christmas shopping amongst the throngs of people, I picked up the just-released Kano and Reptile from the third series of Mortal Kombat figures by Jazwares.

 I love ‘em.

 Jazwares, on the whole, doesn’t seem to get a lot of love from the collector community. Sure, they’ve had a bit of a rocky go as far as action figures are concerned. I’ll be the first to admit that the first series of Mortal Kombat figures came out a bit less than stellar. But from the the second series on I really think they are doing some fine work with this line.

Series Two was a huge improvement over Series One in every way, and Series Three (consisting of Kano, Reptile, Noob and Johnny Kage) continues the trend. These really are some sharp figures…especially for a mass-market line that’s only $5.99 at TRU.

Both Reptile and Kano have solid, detailed sculpts, decent paint jobs and sport generous articulation. They each come with several accesories. Kano has a sword and two daggers (that fit into holders on his boots), and Reptile has a big ol’ sword and an alternate head with his long snake-like tongue. Plus, each figure comes with a base.

Another big plus for Jazwares is they somehow got Mortal Kombat into mass retail, and at a fantastic price point. Did I mention these are only $5.99 at TRU? $5.99 folks!

I’ve been playing Mortal Kombat ever since the first game hit arcades back around 1992. I have some of the old Hasbro figures from back in the day (I still love that wee Goro), I’ve seen the movies, watched the TV show, read some of the comics…and have been waiting for some cool figures based on this expansive mythology. Jazwares is poised to deliver. I like where the line is going.

I’m hoping for some nice surprises come Toy Fair in February. I like the figures I have, but I’m not gonna be satisfied until Jazwares makes Goro!

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While we were out Christmas shopping last week, I bought myself this…

…and this.

Fear me as I fear for myself. 

-JJJ 

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While we were out Christmas shopping last week, I bought myself this…

…and this.

Fear me as I fear for myself. 

-JJJ 

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You savvy Seinfeld viewers are no doubt familiar with this holiday, but for those who aren’t – a brief summary on the phenomenon known as Festivus.

Created as a plot device for a Seinfeld episode, Festivus is a nondenominational celebration of the shunning of the traditional commercialism and materialism that accompanies the holiday season.  Frank Costanza created the holiday in response to the frustrations he felt regarding the usual holiday celebrations, relating the origins to Kramer.

Frank Costanza: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way.

Cosmo Kramer: What happened to the doll?

Frank Costanza: It was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born … a Festivus for the rest of us!

The Festivus holiday has these traditional elements:  The Festivus Pole, The Festivus Dinner, The Airing of Grievances, and The Feats of Strength.  These may or may not be followed by a Festivus Miracle.

Festivus Pole - The tradition of Festivus begins with an aluminum pole, chosen in opposition to the commercialization of highly decorated Christmas Tree. During Festivus, the undecorated Festivus Pole is displayed in the home.

Cosmo Kramer: Is there a tree?

Frank Costanza: No, instead, there’s a pole. It requires no decoration. I find tinsel distracting.

Frank Costanza: It’s made from aluminum. Very high strength-to-weight ratio.

Mr. Kruger: I find your belief system fascinating. 

More from Frank of the Pole: http://www.cbrsd.org/nessacus/festivus/george024.wav

The Airing of Grievances – The actual celebration of Festivus begins with the Airing of Grievances, which takes place immediately after the Festivus dinner has been served.  During the the Airing of Grievances, each person stands and tells each friend and family member present at the table of all the instances where they have disappointed him or her throughout the past year.  Much fun is had by all.

The Feats of Strength - the final tradition that is observed in the celebration of Festivus.  Traditionally, the head of the household selects one person at the celebration and challenges said person to a wrestling match.  The person may decline if they have something better to do, but someone present must fullfill this duty since tradition states that Festivus is not over until the head of the household is pinned on the floor.

The Festivus Miracle – Although it is not an official element of the holiday or its celebration, the phenomenon of the Festivus Miracle is declared by Kramer during the episode.

Betting Shop Guy: Hello again, Miss Benes.

Elaine Benes: What are you doing here?

Betting Shop Guy: Damndest thing. Me and Charlie were calling to ask you out, and we got this, uh, bagel place.

Cosmo Kramer: I told them I was just about to see you. It’s a Festivus Miracle!

- – - – -

Gwen: Jerry!

Jerry Seinfeld: Gwen! How did you know I was here?

Gwen: Kramer told me!

Cosmo Kramer: Another Festivus Miracle!!

Kramer enthusiastically declared both of these occasions "Festivus miracle(s)!", although as the above instances prove, the "Festivus Miracle" seems to be nothing more than a mere coincidence, rather than an actual miracle.

So that’s it.  Many retailers have embraced the holiday, selling Festivus Poles. Amazon sells a book on it. Soldiers in Iraq have even celebrated for morale when they are away during the holidays.

So go spend the afternoon at work looking up Festivus on Google.

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