The title of my blog isn’t just to get your attention, nor is it a submission to the National Enquirer, in fact it’s quite true. Let me entreat you to my history with action figures and the amazing miracle they would later produce…
The 80’s and Early to mid 90’s:
My journey with action figures started at a very young age, 2 or 3 to be exact. I collected and played with Real Ghostbusters action figures. Believe it or not I have a vague memory of what had to have been my 3rd or 4th Christmas on Earth, and the excitement of opening the Ecto-1. Much like a drug addict I graduated to crazier and more elaborate drugs: Ninja Turtles then Power Rangers and eventually Star Wars. And with what I would describe as my “ecstasy” phase there were several intermittent figure lines sprinkled within that time-frame: GI Joe, Thundercats, Darkwing Duck, Batman, Jurassic Park, embarrassingly Space Jam, even worse still Lost in Space: the movie and countless more dalliances. I created adventures and specific personalities for almost all my figures and gave new names and characteristics to any repeats. One can only have so many Han Solo’s before the evil twin routine grows old.
As my pubic hair grew my interest in action figures waned. Standard practice since the 2nd grade was for me to display my figures on the desk in my bedroom. As the collection grew, makeshift shelves using cinderblocks and 2 by 4’s helped my display, as well as adding a collegiate feel to my obsession. But by the 7th grade I grew tired of having to dust them and clean them and take care of toys that I no longer played with. High school came and went sooner than expected and I soon found myself thrust into the real world.
In the real world Peter Venkman and Bruce Wayne aren’t friends and equally surprising is the fact that maintaining steady work in a big city isn’t as easy as sitcoms made it out to be.(Screw you Mary Tyler Moore!) During the summer of 2006 I found myself unemployed and with stress related warts multiplying on my fingertips. I managed to live on unemployment insurance the rest of the year, but another year of disappointment was about to begin.
Christmas of 2006, knowing that I love super-heroes my would be ex-girlfriend gave me the Justice League Unlimited Doomsday 6-pack as a stocking stuffer. It was a strange surprise and the highlight of the holiday season. After the holidays the figures made their way out of the Christmas tree and onto my DVD rack. Dead-end job after the other and the happiness I once felt in my relationship started to fade, 2007 was a bad year. But, during that summer I decided that I wanted a Green Arrow action figure, as I had become addicted to the Justice League Unlimited cartoon. I then found myself attempting to track him down and in the melee started purchasing other figures in the line. My collection grew and grew and no matter how dark things seemed, my toys brought me the greatest pleasure in the world. Career wise I had no prospects, financially things were better but not by much and my relationship was inches away from ending, but by the early months of 2008 my warts had disappeared. Not a trace of them are left at all. I can only attribute this miracle to my action figures and the happiness I felt tracking them down, buying them and displaying them. Literally nothing else could’ve done it. I had them zapped once during the summer of ’06, but that did nothing but make them angry. I used a topical solution on my most troublesome wart for a short period, but that also proved to be fruitless. So there you have it, we’ve come full circle and I defy you to come up with a better explanation. JLU cured a disgusting, witch-maligning ailment.
PS. In case you were wondering, I currently have a steady and enriching job, I’m in a stable and very fulfilling relationship of seven months, I’ve lost nearly 80 pounds since the summer and I’m much closer to accomplishing my career goals than I’ve ever been. (And no, it’s not because of JLU.)