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 Post subject: Ready to get back into the pool...
PostPosted: Thu Aug 02, 2012 4:04 am 
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Shudders at the Thought of Swamp-Crotch Chafing
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So, as many of you know, I'm a "single dad".

My son's mother and I have tried to be a civil as possible with eachother and to build a friendship. Some days are better than others.

However, it has been almost 10 years and I'm ready to start dating again.

I have no idea what I am doing though and clearly, I come with strings attached.

So...

any suggestions?

Has anyone tried sites like Match.com?

I'm 40, a Geek, and proud of it. I work multiple jobs simultaneously and the majority of my free time is currently spent with my son.

How do I spin that to sound enticing?

Looking forward to the feedback.

Thanks.

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 Post subject: Re: Ready to get back into the pool...
PostPosted: Thu Aug 02, 2012 12:15 pm 
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Armored Avenger of Arduous Aspirations
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Plenty of Fish is free, as is okcupid. I've had limited success with each, but I like the latter one better. I didn't like Match.

I meet my current GF at work, so maybe you should talk to your co-workers and see if they can hook you up?

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 Post subject: Re: Ready to get back into the pool...
PostPosted: Thu Aug 02, 2012 2:50 pm 
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Just follow James Bond advice and you'll be just fine :wink:



I'm only kidding. Honestly, I'm so rusty and old school that I'm no help. My wife has to tell me when I'm being hit on these days. I met her back when there was still phone dating. Like you, I had multiple jobs and no time for nonesense. Described myself truthfully, said if you like that great. If not, move on because I just didn't have the time for games. I was a bit cockier back then and way broken(Two failed marriages by 30). So it really took me some time to pull my head out of my backside, stop playing games and realize she was the one. We've been together just over 15 years, 5.5 of that married and now a beautiful 3 year old little guy. So, I guess in some ways they work. The one bit of advice is just jump back in feet first and be honest. From what I've seen of your posts your a pretty straightforward. You are a strong family man and that will always come first for you. At least if you do that, you'll eventually be able to decide who's a keeper and who's not.


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 Post subject: Re: Ready to get back into the pool...
PostPosted: Fri Aug 03, 2012 10:17 am 
Still ahead of Mudd
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Not saying this to be offensive either-- but like others are saying- you probably need to be honest, especially about the deaf child thing as well-- if it scares someone off than you wouldnt want to be with them anyway-- but without that in the open it can be something a person isn't ready to deal with. you wouldnt want to become attracted to someone, and their reaction to that news may put you or them in a different light.

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 Post subject: Re: Ready to get back into the pool...
PostPosted: Fri Aug 03, 2012 10:28 am 
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Shudders at the Thought of Swamp-Crotch Chafing
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No offense taken.

Yeah, I'm usually very upfront about what I bring to the table and what someone is stepping into.

The problem is, I get so "hung up" on my baggage that I haven't given anyone the chance to become interested in the first place.

Still trying to find that balance point I guess.

I've got a couple of friends that have met their wives thanks to Match.com and have been very heavily steering me towards it. I'm not fond of their "membership fees" though so haven't fully committed.

I'll try some of the free sites first (thanks for the tip) and look for local events that might be a good meet and greet (wine tastings, ride clubs, etc.) and go from there.



I don't remember it being this difficult when I was younger...

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 Post subject: Re: Ready to get back into the pool...
PostPosted: Fri Aug 03, 2012 10:32 am 
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You had less responsibilities back then.

You did the right thing, Ben. You put the little guy first. That SHOULD prove attractive to a lot of women, and for those it doesn't, they're not worth the time.

Try to avoid info dump on the first date, though. Don't be the guy who spends half the date complaining about the ex-wife. My buddy did that for YEARS and wondered why he couldn't get a stable relationship. He's better about that now.

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 Post subject: Re: Ready to get back into the pool...
PostPosted: Sat Aug 04, 2012 11:28 pm 
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Dude, don't try the dating websites. I have female & male friends on there & they all pretty much have horror stories. The dating websites seem to attract the truly defective daters...lol

Like someone suggested work or start getting out more. It's all on your personality, I'm real social & usually talk to people everywhere. Don't be afraid of rejection. Maybe start chatting up women on your FB. I've gotten many dates with women that I went to school with.

Good Luck, my Brother. The dating scene can be tough now a days!


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 Post subject: Re: Ready to get back into the pool...
PostPosted: Wed Aug 15, 2012 9:35 am 
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I can offer absolutely no help in this being married for 40 years now. But, I will spin the prayer wheels for you.

I recommend caution in whatever direction you take as there are a lot of crazy people out there...


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 Post subject: Re: Ready to get back into the pool...
PostPosted: Thu Aug 16, 2012 10:04 pm 
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Daniel Pickett
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Ben,

As a single father... who just remarried last week... everyone has baggage. Especially people in our age bracket. In this process you will meet people with their own baggage. It's ok. Like everyone else says - just be honest and upfront. You'll find someone.


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 Post subject: Re: Ready to get back into the pool...
PostPosted: Wed Oct 03, 2012 9:40 am 
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Shudders at the Thought of Swamp-Crotch Chafing
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Hmm...

so there is a girl at work who is expressing interest in "hooking up".
Which is good.



... i think.

Here's the details:

*I'm closing in on 40, she's 22
*I've been single going on 10 years now, she's just getting out of a 3 year relationship.
*she is very open about only wanting a "rebound that I can 'play' with and not have all the attached commitment"
*there is a very obvious physical attraction, but really not much else
*we've worked together for 5 years now and, as is wont to happen in a restaurant, we all know EVERYTHING about eachother already

So, my question is:
Do I put a stop to this now or do I let it go forth?

We both understand what the other is looking for and how we will "fit" into each others lives. We won't be "dating", and either can call it quits at a moments notice. We both agree that it could be fun, but probably not something we should let go public.

I'm really not certain here. On the one hand, it'll be great for me physically, and most likely for my ego and confidence, to be "hooking up with" a 22 year old. On the other hand, the wiser, older man in me says, "stay back, this'll be trouble"

There is a lot of potential for people to get hurt here (she only sees this as me and her, I see it as me and her and how that might affect my son ...) and if any one at work WERE to get wind of this I am sure it will cause some rifts in the team and social dynamics that might not be repairable (but it is a job I am actively looking to end so is that truly an issue at this point?)

Advice?

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 Post subject: Re: Ready to get back into the pool...
PostPosted: Wed Oct 03, 2012 10:18 am 
Still ahead of Mudd
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I say go for it-- What do you really have to loose-- a little 'rec' time without having the committment - and the ability to look for that at the same time is really never a bad thing.

THere is always a chance something more can develop out of it--

THere may be some issues with your son, but I think you are bright enough to explain that away to him.

To be honest- Sometimes you really do need to think with the "other" head. otherwise you may regret it the rest of your life-- (like I do my last decision in Cancun during spring break-- regret that is-- stupid brain)

The only issue is that it does violate the "1/2 your age +7 rule" but that doesnt really apply if its just for happy fun time.. :twisted:

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 Post subject: Re: Ready to get back into the pool...
PostPosted: Wed Oct 03, 2012 11:05 am 
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Shudders at the Thought of Swamp-Crotch Chafing
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Yeah, I can't seem to make her understand that rule, either....

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 Post subject: Re: Ready to get back into the pool...
PostPosted: Wed Oct 03, 2012 11:12 am 
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Banging out with younger women is pretty common now a days. A few years back I hooked up with a 19 year old. I was in my early pushing mid thirties then. I really don't act my age & don't just sit my @$$ on the couch. I'm active, look younger, stay in shape & can keep up with a younger chick. But.....

It haunted me, that I have buddies with daughters this age. It went through my head all the time when we were having sex. Plus when I had something going on at a bar, she couldn't go & it bothered her. Some of my buddies would look funny at me because I was dating such a young girl. It started out as just great sex, but she became attached. She was fun & it was great, she did active things with me that I couldn't get women my age to do like hiking, bike riding, etc.... But for the reasons listed that bothered me so much, I just couldn't make her my GF. I had to end it. For awhile it turned into a game, where she would do things to tease me & get me to come over thinking that we would be a couple sooner or later. Finally I had to put a stop to all of it. Did I make a mistake? Who knows?

Anyway, your situation is different. You work with the girl. Which can cause a whole other world of problems! I say, don't cross that line with her. Go find yourself a younger girl that wants to bang out that you don't work with.


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 Post subject: Re: Ready to get back into the pool...
PostPosted: Wed Oct 03, 2012 11:26 am 
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I say don't.

A) You don't $hit where you eat. You tick her off one night and suddenly "sexual harrassment" and "hostile work environment" rear their ugly head.

B) She's too young. You and her are in ENTIRELY different places in your life. You are old enough to be her Dad, man. Listen to the proper head. Personally, I wouldn't date any woman under 35 these days (I'm 40 as well).

You wanna go one night stand on her? Sure.

But don't let her ever meet your son.

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 Post subject: Re: Ready to get back into the pool...
PostPosted: Wed Oct 03, 2012 11:36 am 
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bnjmnrlyr wrote:
Hmm...

so there is a girl at work who is expressing interest in "hooking up".
Which is good.



... i think.

Here's the details:

*I'm closing in on 40, she's 22
*I've been single going on 10 years now, she's just getting out of a 3 year relationship.
*she is very open about only wanting a "rebound that I can 'play' with and not have all the attached commitment"
*there is a very obvious physical attraction, but really not much else
*we've worked together for 5 years now and, as is wont to happen in a restaurant, we all know EVERYTHING about eachother already

So, my question is:
Do I put a stop to this now or do I let it go forth?

We both understand what the other is looking for and how we will "fit" into each others lives. We won't be "dating", and either can call it quits at a moments notice. We both agree that it could be fun, but probably not something we should let go public.

I'm really not certain here. On the one hand, it'll be great for me physically, and most likely for my ego and confidence, to be "hooking up with" a 22 year old. On the other hand, the wiser, older man in me says, "stay back, this'll be trouble"

There is a lot of potential for people to get hurt here (she only sees this as me and her, I see it as me and her and how that might affect my son ...) and if any one at work WERE to get wind of this I am sure it will cause some rifts in the team and social dynamics that might not be repairable (but it is a job I am actively looking to end so is that truly an issue at this point?)

Advice?


If you just want some gratutious sex and really can handle something like that (basically friends with benefits) then okay.

BUT, if you are looking for a relationship that may go somewhere, I would recommend against it. I work with 20 somethings and sex with them is like going out for a movie and a burger when I was a teenager. But, 20 year olds today are, frankly, flaky. Be careful.


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